Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize