i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i drank out of a bidet.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
