y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
