my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
