So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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