By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
