I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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