The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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