So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
