I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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