Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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