Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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