Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize