I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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