Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
