you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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