Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
