Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
