Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize