this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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