Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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