There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you inspire me to be a worse person
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
