im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
