You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
