did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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