I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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