I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
