I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
