You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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