did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
