There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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