I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
What changed your mind?
Being sober
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
