well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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