i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
