yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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