Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
