I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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