Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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