from now on my penis is your penis
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize