ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
