I should be sponsored by Trojan
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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