eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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