So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
