You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
