I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize