shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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