So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
