PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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