My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
