u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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