2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
