I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
