If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
