highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
