First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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