I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
