Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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