I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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