I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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