i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
