I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
