her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
