I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
