i jhust puked up my retainher.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
