I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
