I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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